10.08am
Sleep didn't come easy last night, instant regret after granting him permission to share her space for the night. It was very different before, I remembered falling asleep with his slow breathing on my neck. This time around I felt raped, staying silent with disgust, frozen smile on my face. I feel terribly cheated, whats worse, by my own frame of mind. Thinking I could make my nights a little more bearable with insignificant company and the affection they offer. Not quite. It was almost mental torment, laying there wide eyed awake, thinking what the fuck I was doing.
I need to sort myself out.
Its about that time of day when I should be out on my walk. Cardio first, scenery second. There's boxes of Milo in the fridge and plenty of cigarettes to go around. Quit? Hah! The weather seems kind today, cajoling me out of bed. What if I start walking, suddenly overcome by extreme fatigue and pass out at the side of the highway into a dark dreamless state of euphoria? That would be messy. I'd be late for work.
Disappearance has always intrigued me. Not so much the incidents that lead up to it though. I wonder all the time, if I go missing (swallowed by a hole in my bathroom floor maybe) would people notice that?
Would the people at work think I'm playing hooky after numerous failed attempts to get through my phone, then proceed to write me a warning letter? Also discussing a paycut to express their disappointment in my lack of commitment and irresponsible behavior.
My mother wouldn't realize of course until about maybe 2 months down the line when she comes around to express her anger and frustration in even having me in the first place, then when she realizes I had gone, she'd probably break into a jig and take all my beach dresses along with her. We haven't even spoken in 2 weeks. I think she worships the silence.
My best friends would have no clue either. I've already failed to report to them regularly due to the unkind hours of this professional line, only to suddenly resurface in their outings once a month if Lady Luck permits. No, they've gotten used to gradual lack of my presence in their lives. Even the phone calls have ceased.
In a way, I've already disappeared then haven't I?
Sleep didn't come easy last night, instant regret after granting him permission to share her space for the night. It was very different before, I remembered falling asleep with his slow breathing on my neck. This time around I felt raped, staying silent with disgust, frozen smile on my face. I feel terribly cheated, whats worse, by my own frame of mind. Thinking I could make my nights a little more bearable with insignificant company and the affection they offer. Not quite. It was almost mental torment, laying there wide eyed awake, thinking what the fuck I was doing.
I need to sort myself out.
Its about that time of day when I should be out on my walk. Cardio first, scenery second. There's boxes of Milo in the fridge and plenty of cigarettes to go around. Quit? Hah! The weather seems kind today, cajoling me out of bed. What if I start walking, suddenly overcome by extreme fatigue and pass out at the side of the highway into a dark dreamless state of euphoria? That would be messy. I'd be late for work.
Disappearance has always intrigued me. Not so much the incidents that lead up to it though. I wonder all the time, if I go missing (swallowed by a hole in my bathroom floor maybe) would people notice that?
Would the people at work think I'm playing hooky after numerous failed attempts to get through my phone, then proceed to write me a warning letter? Also discussing a paycut to express their disappointment in my lack of commitment and irresponsible behavior.
My mother wouldn't realize of course until about maybe 2 months down the line when she comes around to express her anger and frustration in even having me in the first place, then when she realizes I had gone, she'd probably break into a jig and take all my beach dresses along with her. We haven't even spoken in 2 weeks. I think she worships the silence.
My best friends would have no clue either. I've already failed to report to them regularly due to the unkind hours of this professional line, only to suddenly resurface in their outings once a month if Lady Luck permits. No, they've gotten used to gradual lack of my presence in their lives. Even the phone calls have ceased.
In a way, I've already disappeared then haven't I?
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