1.15am

I wish I could wrap up the bright white office light with a nice purple plastic. Its too cold and cruel in here. Well. My brain has officially dripped out of ears. Its been unbelievable stressful at work lately, to the point where tears threatened to fall on my face from those around me who have no sense of urgency at all, and appear to be very comfortable with the incompetence that flows through their puny little brains. I was *this* close to just screaming until my voice cracks and hurl myself against the thin pane of glass that separates my office and the window. Its quite shocking though, the fact that I've been wrong all this while. I always thought I could handle and even work well under pressure. Goes to show that the months of Production Pressure shouldn't even be compared to this. I am Luna's breaking point.

Vamp's birthday was yesterday. He's received my package which contained 3 t-shirts, 1 boxer shorts and 4 packets of Oreos. I wish we were in the technology era of teleportation. I would have been there as soon as the clock chimed midnight, with a barrel of Stout, 5 grams of K and my entire DVD collection. Let the marathon begin! Ah, good times. Oddly enough though, I've never been able to find that comfort again with anybody else since. I wonder if I'm not looking hard enough.

So I got a hair cut today. Think Charlize Theron in Aeon Flux. One hour of straightening and 30 minutes under the mercy of his cold metal scissors snipping away at my dreadful curls. I didn't mind one bit. In fact, I would put him on the pedestal and offer sacrifices to express my gratitude. The new mojo is amazing. Better than i expected. Sexy and pixie-ish at the same time. I am Luna's utmost satisfaction. Now I long for him to nuzzle at the back of my neck without complaining how my hair would poke him in the face. Its tame enough now. This is a revamp. I cross HAIR off the list and stare at THOUGHTS. Below comes DAUGHTER.

I wonder how she is which is something I wish was not on my mind, because not too far behind comes the guilt. The possibility of it all being my fault, and these actions so far just blinks harshly like yellow neon arrows pointing out that I really have been a shit reason for a daughter. Its been a month now, precise. A bigger part of me doesn't want to lose the fight in our ongoing silent treatment game. So far I've been doing well, years of practice you see. I don't want to break down now. Not after she refuses to wish me on my birthday and also ignored me completely at the last family gathering. Go ahead, call me childish, you don't see the point.

Boy and I initially had a lunch date tomorrow. Then just said he couldn't make it. At first I felt cast aside, wanting to be silly, pull a face and pout. Two seconds later I came to my senses and reminded myself that nobody owes spending time with me. Some times I just wish I could stay silly without the Little Girl in my head chastising me to be sensible.