1.33am
My aunt called and asked me if i wanted to join her for dinner tonight. I hesitated. Thinking it was some sort of a trick she had where she'd conveniently forget to mention that my mother would be joining us. Weighing the possibilities of that and the fact that I was painfully broke with a packet of Maggi and fried egg for a lonely dinner at home, I agreed. Luna's paranoia shall be dismissed for the day.
Turned out it was just the both of us. She brought me to Marmalade where we ordered a salad, two lamb mains and awkward small talk came complimentary instead of dessert. It reminded me that a family exists somewhere outside of my sanctuary, and the thought of having to keep in contact with them every so often seemed like a burden instead of a necessity. I remained civil though, and acted like a niece she knew, accompanying her to some boutiques after dinner and giving her my 2 cents worth. She offered to buy me clothes several times, but i declined. Later I found out she had wanted to give me cash but left her ATM card at home. I wouldn't have wanted the clothes anyway. Maybe two jugs of beer and some affection if her credit card could swipe for that. And a pack of cigarettes. I didn't ask. In the end when she dropped me back home and kissed me on the cheek, I guess I could say I felt really grateful she thought of me and came out of her way to check up on me. And I wish I could say that I feel a bit of remorse when I realize that I wouldn't have done something like that with my family.
There's a movie about Bob Dylan on my television but I'm not really watching it. It could be interesting, but at this moment, the movie just makes me feel less alone within these four walls. At least some people are having a decent conversation, having some sex, feeling some genuine pain from conflicts and heart aches. My own heart ache only leaves me empty and cynical.
All day I've been dying for a cigarette. Reason being I was too broke to buy any. Mr Housemate just came home with a pack, and I tore through it and sucked the life out of a stick. Sadly to report that I am severely disappointed in the lack of satisfaction it offered. I'm halfway my third consecutive stick now. And still I feel nothing. It scares me because I realize that from this moment on, my life is going to be very different. The little girl inside my head has set it all up, and I've blindly fallen into the trap of despair. Unwittingly.
This boy says he'll always be here for me. That i can always turn to him for venting and maybe a shoulder to cry on? Thats not what I need right now. I appreciate it though, but that isn't going to offer any sort of comfort. I'm way past a fucking shoulder to cry on. Way past the razor blades, and drugs and rebound animalistic fucking with strange men. Its just going to be trial and error from now on, what the next cure will be. And this, unfortunately, will not be enjoyable in the least.
1.50am
I just hope the universe has mercy on me.
My aunt called and asked me if i wanted to join her for dinner tonight. I hesitated. Thinking it was some sort of a trick she had where she'd conveniently forget to mention that my mother would be joining us. Weighing the possibilities of that and the fact that I was painfully broke with a packet of Maggi and fried egg for a lonely dinner at home, I agreed. Luna's paranoia shall be dismissed for the day.
Turned out it was just the both of us. She brought me to Marmalade where we ordered a salad, two lamb mains and awkward small talk came complimentary instead of dessert. It reminded me that a family exists somewhere outside of my sanctuary, and the thought of having to keep in contact with them every so often seemed like a burden instead of a necessity. I remained civil though, and acted like a niece she knew, accompanying her to some boutiques after dinner and giving her my 2 cents worth. She offered to buy me clothes several times, but i declined. Later I found out she had wanted to give me cash but left her ATM card at home. I wouldn't have wanted the clothes anyway. Maybe two jugs of beer and some affection if her credit card could swipe for that. And a pack of cigarettes. I didn't ask. In the end when she dropped me back home and kissed me on the cheek, I guess I could say I felt really grateful she thought of me and came out of her way to check up on me. And I wish I could say that I feel a bit of remorse when I realize that I wouldn't have done something like that with my family.
There's a movie about Bob Dylan on my television but I'm not really watching it. It could be interesting, but at this moment, the movie just makes me feel less alone within these four walls. At least some people are having a decent conversation, having some sex, feeling some genuine pain from conflicts and heart aches. My own heart ache only leaves me empty and cynical.
All day I've been dying for a cigarette. Reason being I was too broke to buy any. Mr Housemate just came home with a pack, and I tore through it and sucked the life out of a stick. Sadly to report that I am severely disappointed in the lack of satisfaction it offered. I'm halfway my third consecutive stick now. And still I feel nothing. It scares me because I realize that from this moment on, my life is going to be very different. The little girl inside my head has set it all up, and I've blindly fallen into the trap of despair. Unwittingly.
This boy says he'll always be here for me. That i can always turn to him for venting and maybe a shoulder to cry on? Thats not what I need right now. I appreciate it though, but that isn't going to offer any sort of comfort. I'm way past a fucking shoulder to cry on. Way past the razor blades, and drugs and rebound animalistic fucking with strange men. Its just going to be trial and error from now on, what the next cure will be. And this, unfortunately, will not be enjoyable in the least.
1.50am
I just hope the universe has mercy on me.
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